Cherish the moment now, not after it passes by...

Anybody has an idea of where I could purchace this cheese in London?????? Loooove salsa dips with this cheese. yum)

I am a very weak person. I don't have enough guts and inner strength to dedicate myself to seeing God. I often find myself trying it and believing I can do it... And then I fall. I can't truly understand what it means to love God. I have a clear concept, a theoretical definition of what love means. To me it is first of all a deliberate decision, a total dedication, mutual respect and trust. People who love each other want to take care of one another and want to make the life of their partner/child/friend/parent more full, more beautiful, and more meaningful. When one of the sides does not have this intention, his/her love, if it can be called as one in this case, is too selfish and in the end will be destructive. I have seen the kind of relationships between other people where love was just like in my definition, but unfortunately have never been lucky to engage in such by myself. Maybe that is the reason for me not knowing how to love fully. I have had relationships, I loved and was betrayed all the time. Each time I would lose a part of myself, with some hope and faith. With that I would forget to trust God. That's what's happening again. I was working hard on trying to find myself in God again, to learn to trust Him, to be able to accept and absorb His overwhelming love. And through it to learn to love His creatures. To learn patience, which I believe is an essential knowledge.
And I met with the destructive love on my way again. And I am where I started again. The only thing I feel in my heart is pain. I don't want to pray, I don't want to go to church, I don't have a will to be genuinely nice. I want God to give me His hand, but I know I am not worthy of that. I want it my way, I fear to give my all to the hands of God, because I am scared of His plan for me. What if it’s not something I would want to do/have in this life. What if His plan for me is to suffer and come to Him through that; and I am panicky afraid of suffering, of pain. I have been unaccepted by the most part of my life, I don’t want to feel that again, because it hurts badly.
I don't want to be a lost case either. Yet I find myself like one. I hate moaning and don't like others doing that. But that's what I feel like now. Only a miracle will help. God, I need a miracle. Forgive your child, who doesn't know what she's doing. Let me see You! Let me feel You! Cleanse me. I am not able to fight alone. Or maybe Your hand is always by my side, but I am to blind and ignorant to notice that?

So far away and yet so close. I have just experienced the new meaning of these words out of my old song... I don't feel this closeness to you when you hug me and cry, because it doesn't seem so genuine to me. But i feel you in and with my guts when you are miles away. As ridiculous as it may sound, which also goes against my favorite Pushkin, who says that everybody is capable of love no matter how old he/she is... You are too young to love... And yet, you are the only one who made me feel loved and cared for. You are the one with whom at times instinctual love, love without realization feels right. We are not ying and yang... We strive for such different things. We want to be in different places but together. Impossibility is our barier. Your impossibility to give your all to love and mine to not. Yours to attach deeply and mine to not. Yet there is no confrontation. We can create together, we actively listen to each other and are eager to learn from one another. We run away from each other due to completely different reasons. You want to discover the world by yourself and I want to discover it with you. We both strive for knowledge, but I want to share it with you, whereas you want to show to me you have it. Each time we meet, I let you find out more about myself and you get amazed, yet after that you run away for good not to be haunted by it the next time and not to lose your independance. And each time I meet you I want to give a bit of my independance to you. Each time we meet, I get confused and fear to respond to your affection. By the time I am ready to believe in it again, it starts fading on your side, because you get scared again... You give your whole self to me when I am near and everybody thinks you can't imagine your life without me. But when you leave, you take your whole self back without leaving a little part. I am tired of you, yet I crave for you. I am glad I might never see you again, yet this is the cause of my panic attacks as well. You will never be able to make me happy, yet you are the one who makes my heart beat from one thought about you. And I don't want to ever come back to you, but I will be, over and over again, at least in my dreams, where I always exactly see...

If I were an angel, what would it be like?
Would I fly in the heaven and would I drink the sweetest honey?
Would I chat with God about doves?
Would I dive in clouds for fun?
Would I take care of some scared soul?
Would I have to ever sleep?
Or would I have a headache on a busy day?
Would I look through the window in the skyscrapers
And calm the quarrels down?
Would I not become wet in the rain?
Would I touch the sun?

I would never become an angel, I am too afraid of height.

All doesn’t matter now
Nothingness – that’s what I sense
All we people dance in vain
Vanity is crazing us.

A little girl dreams of the podium,
A president yearns for a new war,
A monk in Thailand
Only feels the Nothingness.

Nothingness…
That’s what’s eating us inside.
Vanity is what’s surrounding us outside.
I yearn for peace
I yearn for peace.

All doesn’t matter now coz
We are being eaten by the black hole
Of our hearts.
We keep on joining each other to destroy;
We don’t deserve the peace.

They say that people meet for a reason and nothing happens without a reason. Do they, does it? Has it ever happened to you that you’ve met somebody just briefly, for only one hour maybe, and this moment got stamped very deeply in your heart? And no matter how many days, months, sometimes years have passed, you still occasionally find yourself lost in this memento, recollecting the images that probably became more just the concepts of the pictures; feeling tingles down the spine from a touch or a gaze from back then. You probably forgot the words that were said, but you remember the thrill, the happiness, and the tenderness of the episode.

I was heartbroken. Unfortunately, that was not just a mere teenage Romeo&Juliet heartbrokenness. I actually thought a guy was THE ONE. But it all finished very sadly, without a word being said… It took me very long to go through all the grief stages from denial to apathy, but I never got to acceptance and relief until that one sunrise with somebody whom I still reminisce of with a special softness in my heart and a smile on my lips.

I didn’t want to go to that club, but a friend of mine insisted. Ok, reluctantly, I found myself sitting at the table on a dance floor, sipping cranberry juice and pretending it was “sex on the beach”. My friend was drunk already, I didn’t want to get to that stage. I was bored, I went dancing. Luckily, the music was just what I liked for the “bum shaking”. In a lyrical digression, I must say – I CAN dance. All the boyfriends (like 3) I had were unintentionally seduced by me on a dance floor. Well, when he came in, we had what is called an infatuation from the first sight. However, my friend also had it towards him, but it wasn’t mutual. Western girls, I am really sorry, but you lost the sweet female passiveness that is so attractive to men. You don’t allow the guy to try conquering you anymore. I am an eastern European, and even though yes we are still rather suppressed women, we do remember how to let a man show his manliness. A man needs to demonstrate how strong he is, that he is a decision maker, and that if not him, we wouldn’t be able to function properly in this life. And, isn’t that so? Even the weakest man, given all the softness and seeing the devotion in the eyes of his woman, will go and not only move the mountains, but also make a dinner for her and even vacuum clean the whole house without complaining.

My friend, being a typical Western European girl (non-typical girls, don’t be offended), went and grabbed the guy, dragged him to the dance floor and tried to kiss. His reaction – he was totally flabbergasted, dumbstruck, disgusted (he is an Eastern European boy, who is used that girls give him the opportunity to initiate). But because he was a gentleman, he told he didn’t kiss on a first date. My friend went out to try and realize what happened and why he didn’t want to kiss her. When she left, the guy came straight to me and invited to dance and talk. We left together. It was so clean, so pure, so romantic. We were talking the whole night, sitting on a bridge and watching the sunrise. After knowing each other for 2 hours, it seemed that we were together for an eternity. It seemed that we knew what each of us would say and how respond. We kissed, as though we were 15 – carefully, tenderly, being afraid to do it too passionately, not to cross the line, yet wanting to impress each other.

The last words he told me were, “please don’t look for anybody for yourself”. He was here, in town, just for 3 months, and that was his last day. He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to come back. I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, but I am waiting… And, I finally got to acceptance! Thank you, my one-sunrise-boy. No matter what, I’ll never forget you.

Just hush and listen to the music of silence
Don’t panic if you don’t hear me.
Enjoy the seeing, enjoy the touching
Enjoy the being with me.

I’ll show you the beauty of just tonight
Forget your fears and uncertainty
Entrust it all to me.
Just hush.

I’ll touch you with the flower,
I’ll kiss you with the breath,
I’ll fill you in with colored dream.
And you – just hush.

Dissolve in me,
Don’t scream,
Enjoy,
But hush…

Far away, and yet so close
Faint each time when hear your voice
Morning comes, so cold alone
Long to feel your body warm

Fed up with artificial clement pillow,
Bitter smell of forlorn smoke,
Sullen view through mantled eyes
The sense of tears’ lump inside

Don’t want to talk,
Don’t want to think,
Don’t want to listen and evince
A primal earthly aged instinct is slaying me

Brain apart,
You’ve got the other piece of me with you,
Between our hearts
Stretched rubber string hurts too

Don’t want to talk,
Don’t want to think,
Don’t want to listen and evince
A primal earthly aged instinct is slaying me

Sparkly gaze, playful tongue
Your soft tap of silk’n’wetly skin
Passion, mint, cigar, kiss, smile
A touch of soul I yearn most for now

A primal earthly aged instinct is slaying me
Come, before you find numb me